Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass Ukul chords by Amanda Palmer

G            Dm
When I was six years old my sister Alyson
F            C
asked for a stove for her birthday
 G            Dm
A miniature one you could actually cook with
  F            C
and my mom was nice and she bought one

G         Dm
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
F             C
barged in my room and she grabbed me, she said
G            Dm
I made a cake and we're going next door
    F               C
to Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married

G
The cake was burned
  Dm
it tasted gross
  F
she made me kiss him
C
on the mouth


G
Now I am 33
Dm
unmarried happily
F            C            G
no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
         Dm
I do kissing with only one mission
F              C
Do you like to kiss then you have my permission



  G       Dm
And I have already spent too much time
F           C
doing things I didn't want to
    G         Dm
So if I just want to make out all the time
    F              C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to



G           Dm
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
F              C
the kids in my class didn't like me
G          Dm
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
    F           C
and my mom made me go to her party

G          Dm
Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
F             C
drawing with crayons on a napkin
 G         Dm
a picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
  F           C
her legs getting eaten by lions

G
The cake was good
Dm
I took some home
 F
I had a party
C
in my room


G             Dm
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
  F          C
but I go to bars all the time and I sit there
  G          Dm           F
and order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
  C
yes that's how I like it



G        Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F           C
doing things I didn't want to
   G          Dm
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
    F              C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to



G        Dm
Yes I come here often
F        C
Sure I'll have another one
G        Dm
Yes I come here often
F        C
Sure I'll have another one

but I don't have to talk to you



G       Dm
When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
F            C
picking up tips from the masters
G        Dm
I was so busy perfecting my art
   F             C
I was clueless to what they were after
  G             Dm
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
F            C
I don't make love now to make people love me
G              Dm
but I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
F             C
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

and


G       Dm
When I was 25 I was a rock star
  F           C           G
but it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
          Dm           F
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
   C
baby they'd never know

    G
what a bargain they'd gotten
  Dm
and if I'm forgotten
F            C
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
  G             Dm
and I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
F            C
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me



  G      Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F           C
doing things I didn't want to


   G
So if I want to drink alone
Dm
dressed like a pirate
  F
or look like a dyke
    C
or wear high heels and lipstick
  G
or hide in a convent
  Dm
or try to be mayor
  F
or marry a writer
   C
smoke crack and slash tires
   G
make jokes you don't like
     Dm
or paint ducks and retire
    F              C